The governor announces that Faster Farms in California donates funds for 10 million-dollar chairs at Penington Biomed, on the heels of a $50M state donation to the Faster chicken plant in Farmerville; under duress from the Acadiana Delegation, Jindahl also secures 'rich source of biomass' for UL's alternative fuels program.

Baton Rouge - Ron Faster of Faster Farms, together with Louisiana governor Bobby Jindahl, announced yesterday evening that the Faster chicken company has made a generous donation to create ten one-million dollar chairs at LSU's Penington Biomed.  The ten positions will be filled by some of the world's foremost experts in weight loss.

The announcement immediately caused an uproar, as it comes on the heels of a highly questionable $50M donation from Louisiana's Mega-Fund to Faster Farms, in clear violation of Mega-Fund rules.  Critics cried foul play, and said that this was a quid pro quo deal, engineered by Jindahl.

Jindahl rebuffed the complaints.  "I am a firm believer in market forces, and that the inherent genius of the free market will remove weak businesses, and advance strong ones.  That is why I have been so critical of the President's stimulus package, because it props up weak businesses. 

"And that is precisely why I supported this deal.  The Farmerville chicken plant is a strong company. 

"Republicans work there."

When asked about his role in securing the funds for LSU, Jindahl declared 'executive privilege.'  The Mourning Advocate immediately requested the Governor's mailing address in order to serve his office with a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) petition, to which the governor declared 'executive privilege.' 

At that point someone asked Jindahl what he wanted for dinner, and the governor invoked 'executive privilege.'

The Acadiana delegation was particularly outraged.  "Clearly," noted Senator Mike Michaux, "the entire purpose of this deal was not only to secure funding for LSU and Penington in the face of drastic cuts for all of the other universities, but also to hire away yet another of our highly successful and nationally prestigious alumni to LSU-- in this case, Richard Simmons."

As a conciliatory gesture to UL and the local delegation, the governor held a brief private conversation with Mr. Faster, and announced that all of the "rich biomass"  from the Farmerville farm would be made available-- at no charge-- for UL's alternative fuels program.

Apparently believing that he was off-microphone, UL's President Savoy remarked, "Oh great.  LSU gets chicken chairs, we get chicken sh*t."  UL's chief executive immediately amended that by pointing out that this was, in fact, a very important donation.  "By some estimates, this rich biofuel substrate could amount to three, perhaps four hundred dollars in value.

"And we're talking every year."

Ron Faster quickly added, "We're not just donating the valuable chicken guano, but also the fat from the processing plant.  It's a triangular deal with the two universities; we fund LSU's cutting edge fat farm from our chickens, while cut-up chickens provide fat from our farm to UL."

College of Engineering Dean Mark Zappy pointed out that the deal could be very helpful, as UL was due to receive about $20M for biofuels development from the Obama stimulus package.

The Governor, however, noted that he was refusing any Beltway money for biofuels.  "We don't need any left-wing, tree-hugging alternative fuels. We need petroleum.

"Oil farms. Chicken farms. Fat farms.  That's what will get me elected president.

"I mean, that's what will get Louisiana on the right track."

In related news, Cajuns Athletics Director David Walkar noted that transportation of the chicken refuse from Farmerville to Lafayette would be the responsibility of the two recently-retained head basketball coaches, who will take turns driving an 18-wheeler back and forth from North Louisiana.  "It's a way to recoup some of the money we expect to lose on basketball attendance.  Actually, we don't think attendance will be that bad, we're expecting to average six, maybe seven hundred people per men's home game next year.

"And besides," Walkar noted, "considering the Win-Loss record of the two teams this season, we figured these guys are already experts at hauling this stuff to campus."