Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the barber...

pogonophobia (pō gō nə fō' bē-ə): n, the state of mental terror when faced by those with large numbers of facial fibers protruding from their mugs

Breaking News: An epidemic of pogonophobia has broken out across the Sun Belt states. Experts say they aren't sure how or why the outbreak started, but they can trace the 'roots' of the epidemic back to Opelousas, Louisiana.

According to the best indicators, the pogonophobia outbreak began about five weeks ago. Although some medical researchers were aware of its existence, none of them were expecting the speed with which it spread, nor the extreme contagiousness.

According to one unidentified authority, "It's incredible. We thought we had it contained. We thought we knew what was coming. Then, all of a sudden, the beards were everywhere. Beards on men, beards on women, beards on kids, beards on babies. Beards on UL administrators. Nobody can stop 'em. They are everywhere.


Although no effective containment measures currently exist for pogonophobia, scientists say the worst cases occur when victims are exposed to gleaming wooden courts, orange rubber balls, and to toxic doses of vermillion and white.

Pogonophobia has already led to quarantines at 9 southern universities from Dallas to Miami, and there is no end to the devastation in sight. Although many have tried-- with several near misses-- none have been able to withstand the onslaught of what experts have come to call "The Bearded Ones."

ultoday.com has no advice as to how to stop, nor even how to slow down the oncoming rush of pogonophobia. We can only say to those poor, unfortunate souls who are at risk of being struck down by the disease, those unlucky souls who may be caught in the cross hairs of the rugged b-ballers from Cajunland:

Don't go outside. Lock up your family and your livestock. And above all else:

Fear the Beard!

Sam Stokes is a senior in Media Advertising at UL. He plays guitar with T-Ray & Sam, and attends almost every Cajuns sporting event he can.  To read more of his writings, click on his name at the top of this article.

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